By love and Great Grace I’ve caught a glimpse of the reason that I always chose the chains. Yes, I chose the chains. And I couldn’t begin to desire a way out because I wasn’t aware of my bondage. This was normal for me. I would get so far in my thoughts that I had no idea of my need to return, of my need to be rescued. But He saw.
You see, there’s a different kind of slavery, a very clever and deceiving one, in which I was led to believe that I was captive, that I was stuck against my own will. I was angry but didn’t recognize it. I was sad but felt guilty to show it. I was happy but didn’t allow myself to enjoy it. I hadn’t psychologically connected that bursts of fire or pleasure within my heart to words. I hadn’t learned to put a name to sadness or to anger. The good and bad, the pleasurable and painful, it all mixed together into one, and I, desperate to find myself, busied my mind with the distorted thoughts and feelings that I managed to get out of the chaos.
I hated. And I confidently declared it over and over, openly defending myself by telling my witnesses everything that had been done and said. There was power in screaming my pain, but my declarations were only imagined, and my thoughts didn’t free me because they weren’t manifested past my mind. They were only thoughts; and I needed them. I needed to think to defend myself, to define myself. I thought them as much as I needed them; which was obsessively.
I am not ashamed to say that out of my own need to know who I am, to be known, and a great need for love, that I chose this way. I myself had held out my weary wrists and watched as the chains were locked on. I have been addicted to being a slave. I have lived in the never-ending tugs of heart-wrenching thoughts that I myself directed.
But He saw.
He never left me.
He knew my need for freedom. He knew the plan for my life and the big dreams that He placed in my heart. And out of mercy He looked on me in His Great Grace and said “Now is her time, she is going to accomplish great dreams. But first, the chains must fall.” And so they are falling, and I feel insecure and naked, as if I’m falling to pieces without this perverse comfort blanket to hold onto.
My deep calls to deep. So I acknowledge the needs this blanket of confinement seemingly satisfied and release my grip, letting it fall to my side. I’ve got nothing left to hold onto but my faith, believing with all that I’ve got that this Rock under my shaky feet won’t give way. I’m believing that He’s got me and won’t forsake me - until my fire is a flaming torch, He won’t keep silent.
“I will not keep silent because of Zion, and I will not keep still because of Jerusalem, until her righteousness shines like a bright light and her salvation, like a flaming torch”!!
Because of me. Because He loves me.