Sometimes it’s only through frustration that we realize something needs to change. Frustrations can be healthy. It awakens a need deep in our souls. It’s a signal that something is not right; leading to choices that bring change, health, and life.
Frustrations. I immediately feel powerless. Held down. No way out. I feel I can only scream, bursting with helplessness. I desire to break something, to collapse onto the floor and cry, completely overwhelmed.
Normally with change, I just went along with it, like a paralyzed, powerless slave. Was I not frustrated? Immensely. Yet I was not aware of my feelings, of my utter desperation. Instantly falling into anxiety, I felt the pull of my ever-present chains; contradictory feelings and thoughts. A desire of not wanting to do something, yet the deep need to do it pulled me into a dead end. Confused. I held lies of what love was. Love cannot be angry. One hurt me, but then instantly offered hugs out of guilt. The last thing I wanted was to be near, but I submitted to it, desperate for love and acceptance. I surrendered to the guilt, to the distorted act I believed to be love. And I found pleasure in it. It was my way to be loved, and a source of self-punishment by making myself do something I didn’t want.
I felt put into a corner, an object left for everyone else to define. No way out, a dead end road where the only other option was to turn to myself. I looked at my reflection. Me. That’s the only thing there was, the only thing left that I could react to. Whoever I was, I hated me. I was the problem. Small, insecure child, nobody important. I lashed upon my heart all of the hatred and desperation, the anger forbidden to be expressed. My soul broke with pain yet I endlessly inflicted myself with the guilt and anger meant for others.
The frustrations still come, and most I have to wait out, but I remind myself of the reality. I realize that I am not stuck, that I have a choice. So I disobey all restrictions. I still feel, I hate and feel anger all the more, but I choose to act on my needs. I choose life.
Use your frustrations to bring you to who you are.