I’m here but life is passing me by overhead. I long to feel, but joy is far from me. I feel the wind in my face and the sun warming my skin, yet there’s something that fights for my attention. A constant layer of anger and unhappiness covers my mind, and I begin to distort the things I think of and see. I receive everything as it’s opposite; pleasure becoming pointless and the truth a lie. I feel a sense of nothingness in doing things that once brought me happiness and joy, the worst being that I cannot find joy in God. My Rock, who I always turned to in moments like this, cannot be found. I sit before him, favorite worship song playing and bible in hand, but I cannot connect. I criticize myself for not believing and oppression continues to increase. I open a journal and flip through my writings and tears begin to fill my hopeless eyes. I read the words that God spoke me just weeks before when I was stuck in this same, dark place:
I am with you, Danielle. It’s not your mind that makes you Mine. It’s My love and what I have already done. I chose you.
I don’t understand everything that is happening in my mind and heart, but one thing I do know, that He’s got me. And despite I'm giving this fight everything I've got, it’s not by anything I can do that saves me, but it’s by His great love for me. Deep down I know, deep down I believe in His love, and I’m not letting go.