I have believed a disgusting lie. I always thought that I couldn’t do what I enjoyed and I felt mistakenly satisfied to let doing things for others replace my own desires and needs. For too long I’ve allowed something to fill the place that was created for something else.
Contentment moves in and fills my heart; I’m finding my fullness and pleasure in pleasure itself. I feel the sweet desire to live, a desire to go running after my passions and dreams. Although I long for it, I find no motivation to fight for it. For as long as I fight I never reach it’s edge. I can dream and see the end result, the fulfillment of playing in an orchestra and the satisfaction of publishing a book, but the here and now is void. Again I put it aside, either for something that seems better in the moment or in a distorted act of sacrifice. But my heartache increases, for I only further suppress my heart’s desires.
Then I look at my art and I catch a memory of what it feels like to do what I do. The music is playing and I’m overtaken by the gush of love for orchestra. And with all this I’m reminded that I have let discouraging confusion keep me from the necessary changes towards my passions. My frustration increases beyond the size of any pleasure that was initially felt. I’m frustrated for not doing what I didn’t want to do. I’m stuck in a vicious cycle with no way out.
Really, my desires are there somewhere and my love never died. But it’s locked away far from my reach, far from my heart and mind. The saddest and most difficult part of dealing with depression is listening to that which is not real. It’s real, of course, psychologically, but perhaps after the storm passes and my mind is once again at ease, I would have continued on. It’s a challenge yet a beautiful opportunity to learn about myself and to become aware of the true passions of my heart. I often wonder if I would fight to find myself as I do now if I didn´t have this battle. It´s a dark, painful journey that I don´t wish for anyone to taste, but I am thankful that in this pain I see the need to find myself.
Lovely photo & quote by Link of Hearts
I´m loving their inspiring mission to #Raiseawarenessfordepression !!