I’ve come to the point of healing where the fall isn’t so far, I can see the steps I took and slowly find my way back. Still some days I’m not this strong, but rather fall headlong into the darkness, scared not to return. But I always do. I know the strength is there and that my healing didn’t leave me. This is just another fall from which I will get up again. I will look back on this as another victory, another battle that didn’t overcome me, but that which I overcame.
I don’t know how I get here and I don’t want to find out – not now. The only thing I want is to get out and to not feel this pain anymore. I just want it to pass and after we'll work through this. Somehow for some reason I put myself into a far corner. I kill myself emotionally to the point where I taste death. I barely remember the negative thoughts that instantly surrounded me with thoughts of the need to die, and subsequently the most painful feeling of nonexistence.
Tears run down my face as I cry out for help. Nothing has hurt so deep as the heartbreaking pain of making myself no longer exist. What have I done? Why do I think of myself this way? It’s not others I’m afraid of but myself; of the power I have and knowing no one can control what I think or do. It’s that place where I feel like I’ve lost control.
It’s not common, but it’s also not new. I’ve carried this poisoning thought process with me more than I ever knew; only now it’s surfaced at an overwhelming peak. Often times we don’t notice the sickness until it’s gone too far, but no better time to grab hold of it at it’s full force and uproot it once for all. I'm scared but I'm willing to face it anyway. I want to work through this. I want to be made new. He will save me, I know.