I didn’t dare voice my “no” to unwanted actions or words, and especially not my pain after they were received. Anxiety filled my chest and unspoken words choked my throat. Out of fear I hid my desires and needs, yet little did I know I had forced them out on the other end. And outward they came. All desires, needs, and passions unmet burst forth in a tremendous, desperate attempt of expression. In pulls and cringes against my soul, self-hatred rose in their place. My anger, frustration, and pain had found it’s target, and that was I.
You see, noticed or unnoticed, believed or denied, the truth prevails.
Truth must come out, it never stays in. Though overlain and chained with feelings of powerlessness, my heart and soul subconsciously knew that there was more. It never gave up on me, but fought for a way out. Yet the alternative outlet it found was unhealthy and distorted. Not knowing how to interpret such sensations and beliefs of powerlessness, I left the cries unanswered. My heart and mind fought all the more, only to be interrupted again and again; suppressed and criticized into a corner.
When I pick up the old habits and panic kicks in, I make the hard decision to allow myself to feel. I never thought feelings could be so frightening but yet so healing. Now, after twenty-nine years, I have heard my unconscious cry and I have decided to answer; I have decided to feel.