I lost my excitement and both depression and fatigue slowly consumed me. I had been so happy, overflowing with inspiration and energy, ready to go conquer new and exciting things. Then something happened –it was gradually being ripped out of my hands until I had completely lost sight of it and found myself staring nothingness in the face.
Frantic to feel the pleasure I was enjoying, I searched for where I had slipped. You see, feeling is nothing new to me, but feeling pleasure and the sensation of truly living is. I remember few moments of lasting joy or satisfaction in my life. When a good feeling or a simple “happy to be alive” feeling was felt, it was quickly swept away into the darkness, because that’s where I went, too. I always went from one extreme to the other; enjoying a moment then instantly in a pit where I was worthless. Yet I was blind to the reason, to the thought or one’s reaction that triggered my survival mode. For me, this was normal. It was all I had known.
But now I’ve tasted life, and when it comes I hold onto it with all that I’ve got. Today, pure pleasure comes so unannounced that it eases right into it’s natural position in my heart and mind. I find myself enjoying and indulging in the sweet presence before I suddenly realize it’s rareness. I grab it with both hands, pulling it in close to my face to scrutinize it’s likeness. Pulling it in closer to feel the warmth, I hold it against me as I glance at the world around me through new eyes.
This new sensation of life is what I was enjoying when it slipped through my grasp. As I traced my blurry steps back, a vague memory of doubt began to appear. I had been pinning pins and scrolling through my Instagram feed when a rush of inspiration filled my heart. And I had pleasure in feeling inspired. Super excited, I ran with my idea to catch a bus and go to my favorite coffee shop in town to write. That’s when doubt came in, and I welcomed it.
I willingly took it’s old lies into my hands and considered them carefully. They were no longer given to me as when younger, but now I thought of them on my own, and freely obeyed them just like a good little girl.
Should I spend money? Should I waste a few Reais on myself just to have a coffee? I could save and write here at home. Why am I so selfish? I can save this and let Lucas use it for his lunch break. He deserves it.
No! I told myself that I deserve it, then continued to prepare myself to leave.
Cute sleeveless blouse, gold earrings, and Chanel perfume. I was feeling good and I wanted to treat myself. But doubt came back. This time I not only doubted my worth, but I doubted the time-frame I was working with and the idea of walking in the hot sun. When doubt is considered, it distorts the reality of the situation.
Quickly, I found myself so frustrated and confused that every sense of joy and pleasure was long gone. I had pushed my desires and my very being back into confinement. No right to speak, no right to do what I like. Even worse, I forgot all together what I had wanted to do in the first place. Motivation was stripped off. I lost control and lost myself in the confusion.
Then an old, deadly habit moved into action. Out of my confusion of not knowing where to turn, I voluntarily took back my frustration and anger, turning them against myself. Such accusations are poison for my heart and soul. It hurts so deeply that it works itself deep down and back out again, distorting the way I see myself and the world around me. I want to cry. I’m angry with myself. It’s my fault. I want to hurt myself. My hair is ugly and I look like a little, immature girl. I hate this little girl.
I realize that thinking twice kills my soul. Rethinking before making a decision does not necessarily mean choosing the best, but suppressing my own identity. It is choosing out of fear and guilt - choosing fear itself.
Oh, dear self, when you find pleasure, or desire to feel it, go. Don’t look around or about you in doubt. Grab hold and go flying with it.