“For no other foundation can anyone lay other than that which has already been laid.” 1 Corinthians 3:11
I was taught this verse by a wise leader alongside some great girlfriends. She, together with my spiritual family, was used to help lay a foundational knowledge of this Truth in my life, preparing me for a battle that I never dreamed I was about to fight. My own foundation, the only ‘me’ I had ever known, was beginning to fall apart beneath me. Then, about six months later, I was married, living on a different continent, and using the Truth I had gained to feed myself spiritually.
Starving for love compels us to do anything. And I had done everything. From the outside others might have thought me to be a quiet, shy girl. But inside I was violent, terrified, and dying.
I was fighting obsessive thoughts; a vicious cycle in which a strange, unexpected thought frightens me and I subsequently cover myself in guilt for having thought it. (The reason for these thoughts are many and deep, but let’s save this for another post.) Driving down between the grassy, clay dirt hills, I was mid verse when I realized the truth about foundations. I realized it’s power for me. It was one of my first glimpses at the false structure I had based my life on, and I saw clearly why I was falling apart. I had desperately tried to find rest in unstable places. Setting my identity upon others, I had chosen to self-suppress in exchange for false love. Being perfect, vulnerable, and powerless was the only way I knew towards love.
In that moment I understood that no one could lay any other foundation. Not I, not anyone else. Another’s words or failures against me no longer determined who I was. And no matter how much I tried, how much I feared and suffered, I myself couldn’t build over what was already there. For the first time I felt freedom, I didn’t need to fear the accusations or the power of my thoughts. And taking a deep breath, I braced myself as I let go of my need to impress and to be accepted, and of the very fear of myself.