a doorway to your heart

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A mental illness and its painful symptoms is not merely our enemy, but a doorway to our heart if we choose to see it as so. It embodies everything that we equally long and refuse to be known. It screams what we never let cross our lips and thinks what we are afraid to feel. And meanwhile, we are trapped and tormented, enslaved by what our heart longs for us to be. What else could the treasures of darkness be than to see our thoughts for what they are? And they are treasures, because they unlock our mind from the chains that we ourselves hold the keys to. 

Depression is a strength, a deep control masked as weakness. It’s a power that isn’t recognized as such because that’s just it, it’s a secret with which we fool even ourselves. On the outside we are abused and hurt, but on the inside there’s a world of control. It’s a world perversely reversed, one in which we accept the bad in order to practice our authority in return. It all happens in silence. It’s a mindset so far, one of fantasies and displays of authority that never reach the outside world. There the power is practiced and imagined until it touches reality in a way that wasn’t. Distortion then overrules and the mindset once used to survive and control now enslaves.

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Originating desires continue to feed distorted or undesired ones. These are the thoughts that should be seen and known, for they are the answers buried beneath the distracting ones created above. It’s painfully confusing because the thoughts that are thought and the heaviness that lingers are not only unwanted, but they’re also desired. It’s the hardest part to reach because it’s the hardest part to own. 

For darkness is not just in the world, but also in us, and the moment we decide to acknowledge it and bring it forth, the whole world becomes light - because that’s what we become too.

We become free of oppression and darkness when resistance is surrendered and let go. As soon as bitterness and anger are released into the air, so are life’s pleasures. They’re lovely, wild and free and coming of us. The music and flowers are the same and people didn’t change, but something shifts within. The difference happens in us. 

Shout out your pain for what it is, write it and paint it and dance it out. When the darkness storms in, remember that it will pass. You will come back. Hold on. Peace and reality is waiting for you, waiting for you with arms wide open for when you return. It believes that you will. So believe, believe too. 

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