I had become quite stable with the help of meds, yet it wasn’t completely me. It was not me choosing to be strangely numb, and I knew it wasn’t me who was walking in stillness in the midst of chaotic turmoil deep within. It was all just temporary, a necessary stability until I found my own. And as I began to find and establish it, the time for chemical independency came too. With each couple of milligrams that I left behind I maturely faced another piece of reality of my desperate, broken heart. The recent steps I had made together with my therapist were just enough to face the next bits of thoughts exposed.
The days dwindled down and I struggled with side affects from the slightest of withdraws. I was so close that I was basically free; I had only dreamt of this day ever happening and it was already here. Now I am completely free of medicine! I had anxiously awaited the day when I would take my last dose, but I was not prepared for the sense of victory that would come with it. It was a Saturday night, and after placing the last drop into my mouth I stared at that tiny bottle in my hands and it hit me with a burst of tears. This was it, this was the last time I would ever take it, forever.
My heart and mind were healed and transformed all while the medicine had done its job. It held me together when I was falling apart, it gave me stability when there was none to be found, and it was a temporary foundation when I suddenly realized that I didn’t have one. And now, what had been part of my normal routine for almost four years is no longer needed. I am not dependent on it, but I am strong enough on my own.
It was hard. I felt chronic dizziness and tingling in my fingers. The more I decreased, the more the side affects increased. I often looked forward to the evenings when I would take a drop, because it would give my body what it was looking for and the dizziness would lessen. But then Sunday came and there was not any drop to soothe, no physical object of hope to calm the horrible sensation. But then again there was, not in a physical form but a deeper strength within myself, it was the Victory given to me. This indeed is it - this is what I have been working towards, and now that medicine is not there to support me, I am my own support through the One who gave me the ability to be so.
Everybody is different and has their own perfect timing, yet medicine continues to serve the same purpose. It holds all of our pieces together while we bravely go in and sort them out. Meds don't deserve to be shunned upon, nor do they have to be our forever. (And I say that will all compassionate respect). It would seem much easier to think that medicine is all that we need, and sadly that is what many choose to tell themselves, but the truth is that it doesn’t stop there. Through my own pain and sleepless nights and difficult therapy sessions, I have learned that medicine is just the beginning if we choose to let it be so. This is where the toughest part moves into place, the choice to act on the Truth that you deserve to be healthy. It’s a choice to fight and to discover who you were created to be. We’re created to shine, and I believe that we can do so even in the process. We don’t have to wait to shine until we are completely healed. You are worth the fight and every dollar invested in therapy.
So here I am, three years and 11 months later and free from medicine. It’s not just about being free from medicine, getting better, and becoming who I was before. That me in the past is who caused me to become ill, but this victory represents what I have done and who I have become. I’m not perfect and my days are not void of anguish, but I am a new person. Each day I stand up that much taller and rise up into my true self. I have found the Danielle that I was created to be, and what I discovered is that I was there all along, just buried and lost in the big mess that I had both learned and created in order to be loved.
This is a start of something new, a new life that is four years in the making and one that was given to me long before I knew that I needed it. I’ve got my support from ones who love me - my God who moves in my favor, a husband who holds me through it all, a therapist who’s got my back, and lovely people and things that today I can joyfully say are beautiful to my soul.
May my story of victory declare your own and awaken a freedom that you have yet to fight for. It’s there, go after it, it’s yours to be claimed.