Hi! My name is Danielle Oliveira.
Let me tell you a little bit about myself and how this site came about.
I am 29 years old and I live in Brazil with my husband and best friend, Lucas.
I’m such a deep and passionate person, which draws me to the arts. My Bachelor diploma might be in music performance, but violin is not the only medium on my list. You can find me cooking and creating healthy recipes, painting at home and at coffee shops around town, and filling pages upon pages of journals with thoughts I long to express.
How lovely that that which was enslaving me is the very thing that is setting me free!
In the longing for something to put my hands on, to create something, to always make things different and unique, my heart was searching for something I was unconscious of, yet in desperate need of. My voice.
Growing up, I had never truly known my own voice. Deep down I knew, and I expressed my thoughts and pain only to God and to myself. But that’s where they remained, in my mind, burdening my heart with needs it was never meant to keep.
Fear of another’s anger. Fear of unpredictable reactions. I believed my only option was to be perfect, to never be upset, or to upset another. Realizing I could never be perfect enough, I tried harder and harder, criticizing myself as I went. I forced back my own thoughts and needs, and swallowed my anger that initially wasn’t directed towards me. I unconsciously suppressed myself into a heart-wrenching place where I received, and sadly believed, the voice of others to be my own. And there I began to lose myself in the midst of this vicious cycle.
Eventually, my heart and mind gave way to the overwhelming burden I constantly threw onto myself, and I found myself in the middle of an intense depression crisis in 2011. Despite the indescribable mental confusion and the anguish happening within my heart, I found clarity and peace in my decision to find help. There was hope. The beauty in this hopeless time is that I found truth. I began to learn that I didn’t need to act out of unhealthy survival mode. On the contrary, this fight calls for bravery. It’s being courageous enough to step into unknown places in my mind, looking them straight in the face, and then taking the responsibility to challenge them.
I am currently fighting clinical depression with symptoms of anxiety disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). I confidently refer to the battle out of depression as beautiful. How amazing that He put it in my heart to use such a word that I couldn’t grasp until now. It was just a word. I intellectually understood it’s meaning, but I didn’t know it with my heart nor see it with my eyes. Unconsciously believing that I wasn’t worthy, I repeatedly told myself that I didn’t deserve to be spent on.
Today, my eyes see much more. A new interest is awakening. I desire beauty. I see beauty in others. I see beauty in myself. I see pink flowers, sparkling shoes, and glossy polish. Trying new styles and lavishing myself with an abundance of self-care, I indulge my heart in lovely things and people that make me feel just that – lovely.
As much as I beg for my God to help me and to relieve me of depression, I thank Him for it. Out of my darkest of moments I find Him in ways that I would have never looked for Him otherwise. For it is through desperation to feel both His love and the relief of tormenting thoughts that I find such beauty. I am finding myself.
And that is beautiful.